[Archived] Friday Funnies

[sloth_frattelli]

BREAKING TRANSFER NEWS:

Man City have sold Shaun Wright-Phillips to Madonna.

[adopted scouser]

BREAKING TRANSFER NEWS:

Man City have sold Shaun Wright-Phillips to Madonna.

Very Good, but we should just link this thread with Sickipedia

[herbergeehh]

I'm glad I don't understand morse code, because tap dancers would make me absolutely crazy.

[colin]

What's the difference between Alan Shearer & Newcastle United?

Alan Shearer will be appearing on "Match Of The Day" next season.

[ABBEY]

BLOODY HELL COL that was in the mirror two weeks ago

[bazza]

What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on ahead while I give these two a lift.

[colin]

BLOODY HELL COL that was in the mirror two weeks ago

Apologies. I only heard it today.

(Colin hides head in shame)

[adopted scouser]

Explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield.

3.14159265 dead.

[Presty On Tour]

RFW misses the bus

[Anti-Dingle-Brigade]

That is brilliant.

[bazza]

I rang the help-line regarding Swine Flu.

I couldn't get through; it was a bad line.

All I got was a lot of CRACKLING.

[eddiewac]

Try some oinkment

[JC4LAB]

Caught bird Flu...Now I keep thinking about relationships, cant park the car,and like crap music

[Al]

A Jewish guy applied to immigration to live in Burnley, however he was refused entry because he had been circumcised. You have to be a complete prick to live in Burnley.

[Paul]

As the two friend wandered home through the snow on their way home, Piglet grinned to himself, how lucky he was to have a best friend like Pooh...............................

................................. Pooh thought to himself:

" If the pig sneezes he's dead"

[JC4LAB]

A Jewish guy applied to immigration to live in Burnley, however he was refused entry because he had been circumcised. You have to be a complete prick to live in Burnley.

Or perhaps he found where the bits they throw away end up...

[adopted scouser]

Just bought a Ricky Hatton toaster - it's crap

Won't do two rounds

[b12_simon]

Or perhaps he found where the bits they throw away end up...

here

[dave birch]

Stevie Wonder vs Tiger Woods

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, 'How's the singing career going?'

Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'

Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now.'

Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.'

Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?'

Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'.

Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'

Stevie Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.'

'But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger

'Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.'

Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?'

Stevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.'

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime.'

Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?'

Woods thinks about it and says, ' I can afford that, OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?'

Stevie Wonder says, 'Pick a night'

[Billy Castell]

[colin]

Greater Manchester Police have foiled an Al Quiada plot to infitrate the Heinz plant in Wigan and plant bombs in cans of alphabetti spaghetti.

A police spokesman said that if the plot had been successful it might have spelt disaster.

******

What's green & smells?

Kermit's arse

[Mc Love]

Button injured in fatal F1 smash

[Jordan]

Apparantly the Burnley players are suffering from a rare cross virus of Swine and Bird flu which could prevent their race for the premiership. Its called 'pigs might f**king fly flu'.

[Presty On Tour]

So Katie and Peter are splitting up.. bet Harvey didn't see that coming!

[SouthAussieRover]

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,

'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me'

'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.

She simply replied, 'No peer pressure..'

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.