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[Archived] Exclusive: Steve Kean is a scientific marvel

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Top scientists have today announced the discovery that Blackburn Rovers manager Steve 'Coco' Kean is the scientific marvel of the 21st Century.

He has been found to possess incredible properties, and not only those bought with money laundered through the club and his impending relegation bonus.

First, scientists were astounded when they noticed that under extensive tests, absolutely nothing will stick to the man Rovers fans affectionately know as 'dickbrain' (due to his uncanny ability to fck everything up whenever he puts his mind to it). His genetic code is now being mooted as a possible replacement for materials like teflon. The boffins are currently struggling to ascertain how to make him actually stick to frying pans in the first place.

"It's remarkable," said Stephen Hawking, head of the team, "this man Kean's flesh is the slippiest substance we've ever encountered. It's a miracle he can even stand up and walk without falling everywhere. We are still trying to work out how his bones, flesh, and very atoms can even grip to each other."

But the research has already yielded more breakthroughs, when it emerged that Kean is the most immoveable object in the known Universe.

"Our interest was engaged when we saw Kean inexplicably resist the pressures of supporter hatred, atrocious results, imminent oblivion for the club, rumoured player disputes, and more," explained Hawking. "We wanted to investigate this phenomenon, so we stood him in front of a train moving at full speed. Poor train never stood a chance. Kean just remained in place without a scratch, looking gormless as usual. We've shot him with tank shells, dropped Nathan Blake's arse on him, and he just carries on regardless. The only way to move him is to offer him a bottle of whiskey, at which point we've found he can reach remarkable speeds which we are also currently testing.

"This Kean is a hive of scientific improbability and potential discoveries, we're not even remotely done. We are planning to submerge him to the bottom of the Marianas Trench, the deepest point on Earth, to see if he can withstand the pressures, and expect him to be fine. We think he might be the most immoveable object in existence, and want to find out what happens when he meets the most irresistible force. We might find out, since Blackburn's inevitable relegation is pretty close to that."

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The other side of the coin is the fear that his destructive powers may be unleashed and used for evil.

Surely the spectre of rival superpowers harnessing the awesome might that is "Kean" casts a shadow across the civilised world like nothing we have seen since the height of the Cold War in the 60's ?

His destructive power is proven and could easily fall into the wrong hands. Rogue terrorist states are another grave concern. The track record speaks for itself, does it not ?

"Awesome Destructive Force Of Bald Git Destroys Premier League Team And Much of Mid Sized Northern UK Town"

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