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[Archived] Just to lighten the mood

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I found this on Facebook and thought i would post it to try and help lighten the mood

It is interview day at the Brockhall training ground. Mama Desai, and the brothers "Onion" Bahji and Vindaloo Rao are on the video link from Pune:-

MAMA: which one of you is an absolutely tip top lacrosse coach? (Some mumbling from over the video link). Which one of you is an absolutely tip top football manager?

ALAN SHEARER: well now Gary, it's like I wus sayin' just now to Alan before we come on air.......

MAMA: (yawn) thank you Mr. Coconut Head, we don't want to be bored to death. We want a personality, we want a manger who knows his onions.

ROY KEANE: I knows me onions 4:4:2, 3:5:2, 3:5:1:1, one up front, one dropping back, one in the hole....

MAMA: not those sort of onions, I mean the sort of onions that go into a lovely stuffing for our chickens.

ROY KEANE: I'd stuff you, you owd bag if you wasn't as ugly as Gary Neville. Anyways I want the Bolton job, I'm off!

SHABBY: who shares the Venkys philosophy of passing football?

(a long silence)

ERIC BLACK: Oh! Oh! I do, I do.

SHABBY: and who shares my passion for Ronnie Clayton?

(a longer silence)

ERIC BLACK: Oh! Oh! I do, I do.

SHABBY: Very good. I'm not giving anything away, but you're our kind of manager.

MAMA: does anyone have anything to say about the comments that the Rovers are living on borrowed time?

COLIN HENDRY: borrowing's a good thing. I'd encourage that approach. I like borrowing, I do. I do it a lot you know. In fact could you lend me something for a cup o'tea, say about £83,000?

'ARRY REDKNAPP: did someone say bung, err borrow. I've never borrowed anything! Mr Mandaric just put that quarter of a million 'nicker in my Swiss bank account with the funny name, named after me dog or me daughter, whatever, and I forgot about it same as any other man would as can't read and write like what I can't. Anyway I can't stand it up here with all you dishonest, thick, unsophisticated Northerners. I'm taking the Bournemouth job, it's a nice little earner.

KENNY DALGLISH: hoots mon, och aye tha noo. Eets a braw breght nite ta neght. I gan in tay footba in 1892! Och ay tha noo, tha noo.

ONION BAHJI: now I am going to ask a technical question. What is that round, inanimate object, full of gas that people would like to kick, which I am pointing at?


MAMA: well, you're out of the running, you baby-faced assassin. We don't want a manager whose name is too difficult to spell.

OLE WHAT'SHISNAME: but Mama I learnt under Sir Alex Ferguson and I'm having great success in Norway. I won the Treble with Man U.

MAMA: and that's three more reasons why you won't be getting the job. You're too good and would be telling me what to do. Don't you know I'm a philosopher of passing football. There's a whiff of Big Fat Sam about you!

VINDALOO: sorry Mama that's me.

MAMA: you there! You look like a sharp young manager! Are you the one they call "The Special One"?

MICK McCARTHY: no ma, I'm the one they call Mick McCarthy.

MAMA: how disappointing.

MICK McCARTHY: well be disappointed some more, I'm only joining a Premiership team.

MAMA: but we are in the Premiership, Steve Kean told me so himself just around the time he signed Maradona.

SHABBY: well that completes all our questions. I can see that we have a very high number of very big name candidates. We could worry about the difficulty of making a choice or we could appoint Jourdain Ali, who is absolutely top hole, or we could meet again to decide, say in about a month's time?

MAMA: Quite right Shabby, we will not be rushed. We are in a hurry but we will not be rushed. What came first, the chicken or the egg? That's what I always say. You draw up a short list. It will only have one name on it. It will have many big names on it. Is that clear! I must go now. I have a meeting with a former employee, an old bald headed favourite of mine, and his solicitor.

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