Read one yesterday - Clive Woodward is going through Australian Customs just after his flight's touched down, and the passport officer is giving him the first degree. Passport Officer: "Do you have a criminal record, sir?" Clive: "Do you still need one to get in then?"

I thought the footy was on Saturday and the rugby was on Sunday? :-\

I bet they still have to drink their own wee through a sock though. Bunch of nutters. Although to be fair, I don't mind league, it's union I can't stand.

Yeah, it's sad to say it, but it leaves me cold as well. I hope they win, but I'm certainly not going to waste 90 minutes of my life sitting through it. I'm sure the fox-hunting lot will go bandy if we win, but the whole nation? Can't see it. Is it really a global game?

5 losses on the spin and we're in terminal decline? Absolute and utter pap. If that was true, what would you say has happened to QPR, Sheff Wed, Luton (good in the Eighties!), Oxford (days of Ray Houghton and Dean Saunders) and Notts County (they were in the top flight for a season not so long ago). Terminal decline means that the club goes kaput, it doesn't recover. Out of the clubs I've mentioned there, I think only Notts County come close to terminal decline. You seem to fit the facts to your argument all the time, it gets a bit tiresome after a while.

Let's get the chuckle brothers in then, it doesn't matter! :'>

I'm very depressed so maybe now's not the time to make a judgement. But sod it, we clearly can't keep the goals out the two we conceded today were bloody shockers. We play far too much football through the middle and don't pose enough of an attacking threat. Yorke although he did play better today just doesn't put the opposition on the backfoot. Shipping goals and not scoring them leads only one way - relegation. Although I've always rated Graeme we might have to say goodbye to give the players a fresh face and change things up a bit. We could certainly do with a few more faces in teh team. Looking at the match today, as soon as the first went in we looked like a relegation team, surprising because before we looked OK - the confidence just seemed to go (not surprisingly). I really wouldn't like to say "get rid" now, but with transfers only allowed in January it's hard to see where Souness is going to get three points from since he's tried more or less every permutation of team already. I really haven't a clue on what we should do and I don't envy the board. Sad to see him arguing with the 4th official again today.

Have we got enough decent strikers to play two up front?

Yep, I'm sticking with Souey. But then what do I know? I don't even like Celtic!

Unless it was semantics to give the guy the brush off, we didn't sign Gray because we didn't have any money. There's so many smokescreens about our cash that I really don't know what the situation is. Out of those who are calling for his head, how many were doing so before the start of the season? Rover6 and KennySuperPundit, anyone else? I suspect most thought that Graeme was the man. And they've all completely changed their minds in 12 games. That's football for you!

There are some bright points on the horizon. There's absolutely no pressure in the next game, if we lose it doesn't matter, as long as we perform really well. Of course it would be better for morale if we won, but the only consequence of losing is that we have less games to play this season. Winning against Liverpool would help confidence, but so would putting in a good performance. Shorty is due to come back, hopefully with Neill back soon also, and perhaps Babbel. Putting Neill at right-back will allow Reid to go to left-wing, Thompson to go right wing, hopefully this would reduce the amount of cutting in as well as bringing more experience to the backline. If we can go to Chelsea and get a draw with our first-choice backline, then we can't be all bad. So now we're getting our backline back again we should have cause for optimism. Watching from afar my feeling is that Souness introduced 5 in the middle because he was worried about teams going through us more easily, and he didn't feel that anyone playing with Cole would score, so it was not a big sacrifice to lose a striker. Also, the team is short on confidence and actually keeping a clean sheet would do wonders. If you don't think you're going to be able to keep the oppo out, it must be a bit demoralising before you've even kicked off. I'm going to wait until we get Short Babbel and Neill (they must all speak English!) back and playing together, and then make a judgement. Sacking Souness now would be a knee-jerk myopic reaction. Although it looks bleak now, there are reasons to be optimistic. The board is funny because it's so rectionary. We play crap at Villa last Jan >> Sack Souness. We finish sixth >> Souness is God. Duff departs of his own volition, which the club couldn't possibly stop >> Souness is a traitor for selling him, why did he let him go. We lose our best defenders to injury, ship loads of goals and can't win >> it's all Souness's fault, because he bought Todd! It's funny really how people can be so fickle (apart from miserable Jim). Perhaps we should go for the manager of my local Sainsbury's, who's transformed the grocery section on an impossibly tight budget!

Dave Moyes who briefly played for Celtic before going onto Shrewsbury and Preston, where he evnentually became boss after (I think) being assistant manager? Nah, I'd never heard of him before he became Everton manager! You must think we get all our footy news from "The Premiership"! As for Sturrock, whooppee doo, he's worked minor miracles at Plymouth. But to extrapolate that and say that he would be better at managing Rovers than Souness ... well, it just doesn't work like that. Where was he before - Dundee United? What record of success has he had? Did he revolutionise the Scottish game? Did he get Benfica into the Champions' League against a background of boardroom interference? Has he won any trophies as a manager? No, he hasn't, he's doing a decent job in the lower leagues, just like many managers. You might as well suggest Nigel Clough. Look at Chris Coleman, doing well at Fulham after being tipped to take them down. Doesn't mean if someone else poached him he'd be successful there, or that he'll find managing in the Prem just as easy next year.

Aye. The best possible reponse is to say "yes dear" and completely ignore them. Anything else is a waste of breath.

We need an American Football approach here I feel. Sly Stallone to coach Brad ("Where do I stand on corners?") The bloke off the Sopranos to head the whole thing up - think of him as the "coach" Someone French as the "defense" coach as they're good at anything but offense, maybe Charles de Gaulle We need a wingers coach (part-time Tues-Thurs will do) so anyone female will do as they know their wings (was that bird in the tampax ad a good header or what?) Centre midfield adviser we could have Vinnie Jones, a real talentless clogger who'd sort them out with tactical nous etc Striker coach - get the chuckle brothers in to advise on how to work in harmony. Now, this isn't rocket science, it's simple stuff. Obviously the directors don't know squat because we've still got that loser Souness in the post. All they have to do is pick a ####ing massive tombola, fill it with football names, and draw it at random. It's really that simple. If I wasn't dedicated to the sanitation business, I'd be having a go at that football lark - it's easy, no experience necessary. We should send a deputation.

I think Jim should have a weekly column on here. That would stir up some interest too.

Revidge Retaliates Revidges Retribution Revidges Revenge Revidges Reprisal

EDITED.

So Clint, will you be taking the Carpets back on the road now that you've given the LET the shove? Let's face it mate, we're trying to show the World we've moved away from Hovis adverts and whippets into the brave, corporate prawn sandwich environment which is "soccer". Having someone who wears flares and beanie hats pen the weekly column in the local rag was a non-starter really :'> I'm sure you'll get over the rejection in the fullness of time. At least your successor has had a dig at Bumley, so it's not all bad. And then there's Steve Tossings column! Hee hee. Apparently 16 players have left the Turd, with FOUR coming in!

I like some of their stuff, but I've got teh album "Maximum High" and didn't like the album tracks too much. Stuff like "Chasing Rainbows", "On Standby", and "Disco Down" are top.

I've just found out that Robbie Williams did a cover of "Rocks". Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggghhhh! Someone kill that mutha before I do! Now I really hate him!

Saddam says they're either in his sock drawer or in the bathroom cabinet (please try not to leave a mess in the bathroom). Failing that they might be in the cupboard under the stairs, or Abdul next door may have borrowed them again to help power his lawn mower/ clean the swimming pool out.

Just read on the Beeb website that senior sources in Whitehall don't think WMD will be found but they "might find paper documentation". It also quotes the source as saying that they are sure Saddam did have WMD before the War, but he must've destroyed them. This is becoming farcical. If the weapons inspectors were derided by Colin Powell as "Inspector Clouseau figures" then what does that make Blair and co. - why did they ever think they could find what Blix and co. couldn't? I think they'll get Blair over this - can't see him surviving now that Dubya's dropped him like a hot potato.

Er, yeah, that might be a small flaw in the plan. Maybe it's one to sing at away fans.

Maybe the chant to come out with would be "Dunny for England" after some corpulent nylon-stretcher made his way down a row of seats with 20 Bovrils? Directed at him, of course.