[Archived] Football Wit!

[Mike E]

Not sure how successful this thread may be, but what are your favourite bits of wit (genuine or otherwise) from football?

My 2 faves are:

Commentary from a 70's Wales v Scotland game, Donachie own goal in the last minute: ' Willie Donachie has never scored for Scotland. And now he's scored for Wales!'

Beckham when Rooney became the youngest goalscorer at the Euro's but was then trumped by a younger player: 'I'm sure Wayne will just do his best to break the record again.'

[bellamy11]

I follow @FootballCliches on Twitter - never fails to make me laugh

[thenodrog]

Tugay pretending to catch the ball as if the ref had blown for an infringement just as opponents were rushing in to clobber him before whipping his hands away at the last second and playing on. What a player!

[patrickvalery]

http://www.cricketsledges.com/top-twenty-cricket-sledges/

Never mind football. Cricket sledging is much wittier. Barring some of the older characters in the game like Shankly or Clough, I find football a pretty humourless sport nowadays. Its all so bloody showbiz its forgotten how to laugh at itself. I suppose Jimmy Bullard was the last modern day player who didnt take it too seriously.

[Joar]

Well.... There's always Gordon Strachan...

[FGS5635]

Well.... There's always Gordon Strachan...

Haha he simply couldnt be beaten. Some of his stuff is golden

[arbitro]

Well.... There's always Gordon Strachan...

I once saw a reporter ask Strachan for a quick word. Strachan replied "velocity".

[Majiball]

That's pretty funny for Strachan.

[FGS5635]

He had so mnay like that. List of his top 20 here http://www.mirror.co.uk/sport/football/news/gordon-strachan-quotes-20-pearls-1535315

Here's our top 20 classic quotes from the new Scotland gaffer:

1. Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"
   Strachan: "Velocity" (walks off).

2. I've got more important things to think about. I've got a yogurt to finish by today, the expiry date is today. That can be my priority rather than Agustin Delgado.

3. Reporter: "Bang, there goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?"
   Strachan: "No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump off a bridge. Umm, I think I can take it, yeah."

4. "I tried to get the disappointment out of my system by going for a walk. I ended up 17 miles from home and I had to phone my wife, Lesley to come and pick me up."

5. Reporter: "Gordon, do you think James Beattie deserves to be in the England squad?"
   Strachan: "I don't care, I'm Scottish."

6. Reporter: "Gordon, you must be delighted with that result?"
   Strachan: "You're spot on! You can read me like a book!"

7. Reporter: "Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?"
   Strachan: "No. I was asked if I thought I was the right man for the job and I said: 'No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm useless.'"

8. Reporter: "There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here?"
   Strachan: "Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here. I'm going to whack you over the head with a big stick. Down negative man, down!"

9. On good friend and former Aberdeen teammate Alex McLeish: "We even competed for the acne cream when we were younger. Obviously, I won that one."

10. Reporter: "So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today?"
    Strachan: "What areas? Mainly that big green one out there..."

11. Talking about Wayne Rooney: "It's an incredible rise to stardom. At 17 you're more likely to get a call from Michael Jackson than Sven Goran Eriksson."

12. On Eric Cantona's bizarre press conference: "If a Frenchman goes on about seagulls, trawlers and sardines, he’s called a philosopher. I’d just be called a short Scottish bum talking crap."

13. “Pahars has also caught every virus going except a computer virus and he is probably working on that even now.”

14. Reporter: "This might sound like a daft question, but you'll be happy to get your first win under your belt, won't you?"
    Strachan: "You're right. It is a daft question. I'm not even going to bother answering that one. It is a daft question, you're spot on there."

15. Talking about being attacked by a Celtic fan while an Aberdeen player in 1980: "It's always great fun getting attacked. One of the highlights of my career. The fella who beat me up got fined £100 for that but they had a whip-round in the pub and he got £200!"

16. On his cooking ability: "It's embarrassing, I'm not proud of it. I can't even make myself anything to eat. I had to phone her and she said, 'I've left something to put in the microwave'. An hour later and I'm asking, "Where's the microwave?""

17. Reporter: "Is that your best start to a season?"
    Strachan: "Well I've still got a job so it's far better than the Coventry one, that's for sure."

18. Reporter: "You don't take losing lightly, do you Gordon?"
    Strachan: "I don't take stupid comments lightly either."

19. “I have discovered that when you go to Anfield or Old Trafford, it pays not to wear a coloured shirt because everyone can see the stains as the pressure mounts. I always wear a white shirt so nobody sees you sweat.”

20. On Sir Alex Ferguson while at Aberdeen: "He used to play tapes of Bill Shankly talking. I remember that and a singer he liked. I don't know who it was but it was crap. He played it on the team bus too, and all the boys hated it. Until one night it got chucked away. If he's still wondering who threw that tape off the bus, it was me. So maybe he was right and I'm not to be trusted."