[Archived] Friday Funnies

[Grabbi Graeme]

Suicide bombers

What makes them tick?

[Flopsy]

Asked for 100 words on Recreativo's crashingly dull 1-0 win over Real Sociedad, Marca's José Luis Hurtado wrote: "Maradona, Di Stéfano, Pelé, Cruyff, Van Basten, Gullit, Zidane, Gento, Puskas, Roberto Baggio, Torpedo Muller, Zico, Bergkamp, Eusebio, Futre, Blokhin, Breitner, Cabrini, Conti, Elkjaer, Laudrup, Garrincha, Gascoigne, Krol, Francescoli, Matthaus, Beto Alonso., Gigi Riva, Rossi, Antognoni, Beckenbauer, Bobby Charlton, George Best, Giggs, Kempes, Boniek, Romario, Bonhof, Liam Brady, Careca, Jarzinho, Cantona, Cafu, Luis Suarez, Kubala, Deyna, Didi, Eder, Donadoni, Redondo, Hagi, Giresse, Haan, Uli Hoeness, Rummenigge, Dalglish, Keegan, Kopa, Tigana, Guardiola, Rivera, Rivelino, Mazzola, Schuster, Simonsen, Falcao, Hugo Sánchez, Ronald Koeman, Pereira, Mágico Gonzalez, Mauro Silva, Maldini, Franco Baresi, Panenka, Bebeto, Overath, Tostao, Waddle and Zola would not have liked this match. Nor did I."

[Grabbi Graeme]

Al Murray talking to an American in the audienceat one of his live shows.

"We British are glad that America has helped us with the war on terror, if it wasn't for them funding the IRA for 30 yrs we wouldn't know how to deal with terrorist's"

[cletus]

Al Murray talking to an American in the audienceat one of his live shows.

"We British are glad that America has helped us with the war on terror, if it wasn't for them funding the IRA for 30 yrs we wouldn't know how to deal with terrorist's"

I also loved the Borat movie when he addressed the rodeo crowd saying his people "supported your war of terror"

[Cheshireblue]

Jim and Doris were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Doris promptly jumped in to save him She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Doris's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Doris the news she said, "Doris, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Doris replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?

[Jim J]

have you seen the news? An middle eastern chap has driven his car full of explosives into the side of the reservoir in sheffield. Police say it might be the start of ramadam !

[Flopsy]

:groans:

Warning some rude words in here - dont read it if you get offended easily

[cletus]

I bet that boke who won a speedboat on Bullseye who lives in a block of flats in Sheffield is kicking himself for selling it now!

[MCMC1875]

Doctor, doctor, me ass is on fire!

Shut up and keep driving the jeep.

[Cocker]

Does anyone else feel sorry for Paul Dickov - he cant even reach to get his cash out

[Presty On Tour]

One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.

Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.

So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.

When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.

16 years later

16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"

"What?"

I pised out a bullet.

So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.

Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pised out a bullet."

So the mom told her what happened 16 years ago.

Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"

The mom said "let me guess you pised out a bullet."

"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"

[Presty On Tour]

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what`s wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That`s great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I`d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn`t show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sexiest lingerie, suspenders and stockings on the fittest body you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."

haha :L xxxx

[charcerzyk]

[Cocker]

Can any one who is good at this kind of thing change that so its Liverpool - I love to wind the scousers up

[colin]

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer

on your own. The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think

this one through.

At the exact same time, there are two 35 year old men on opposite sides of

the earth: One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other

is getting "oral pleasure" from an 85 year old woman. They are both

thinking the exact same thing.

What are they both thinking?

Don't look down

Don't look down.

Don't look down.

[Billy Castell]

Teaching Ravens to fly

More Cook and Moore

Pete and Dud in Heaven

[Ozz]

Who's in charge of all the communist cats?

Chairman Miaow.

[adopted scouser]

Absolutely love one liners - enjoy .....

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today "The History Of Glue" I couldn't put it down.

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood ?" I said, "Where is he then?"

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

[Grabbi Graeme]

AS

Isn't that most of Tim Vine's comedy act

[adopted scouser]

AS

Isn't that most of Tim Vine's comedy act

Definitely - but funny though !

[Grabbi Graeme]

Oh yeah the simpliest of comedy that is funny.

[Cocker]

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mummy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mummy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Is this 821746?"

[cletus]

Liverpool have just signed a Japanese defender & an Italian striker......

Nik Yamota & Rob Yatelli

[Presty On Tour]

A young man had met a nice young woman.

Both of them got naked and the man lay on top of her. Before pushing his dick in he continued with foreplay. Meanwhile his dick was having a conversation with his balls.

Dick: OK lads we are going to a party tonight.

1st Ball: You mean you are.

Dick: What do you mean, you’re invited too.

2nd Ball: Yeh, but you always leave us outside knocking.

[Cocker]