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[Archived] Friday Funnies


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A man goes to the doctors & asks for a pen1s extention.

The doctor informs the man they haven`t any extentions in stock, but suggests a new procedure involving a baby elephants trunk. The man eventually agrees & the operation is done.

A few weeks later the man is having dinner with his beautiful new girlfriend, when he feels a strange sensation in his trousers :huh:

...suddenly his pen1s pops out of his flies, steals a bun & disappears into his trousers again.

"Wow!" says his amazed girlfriend...."can you do that again?"

The man says "Well my c0ck can, but i don`t think my ar5e could take another bun!" :unsure:

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their

tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemosabe look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three

in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo ######. Someone stole the tent."

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Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM

machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their

vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures

outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been

developed.

Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

Unfortunately, most of this part is the truth.!!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up required distance to align car window with

machine.

3. Set parking brake, put window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate

card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its

excessive distance from car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with PIN written on inside back

page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of

checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into

appropriate slot.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

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Tony Blair and Gordon Brown announced today that they are changing our Union Jack to a condom because it more accurately reflects the Governments political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation,protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a sense of security while you are actually being screwed.

It just cannot get any more accurate than that !

:o

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Disaster in Burnley

An Appeal for Your Help

A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours of Tuesday morning. Epicentre: Burnley, England.

News of the disaster was swiftly carried abroad by the town's 35,000 racing pigeons, as victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "feckinhell" and "chuffin-norah".

The earthquake decimated the town, causing £30.54 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearic Isles and the Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historical burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken up well before their Giro arrived. Keith Feltcher of Radio Lancashire reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Burnley.

One resident, 15 year old mother of 3, Tracy Sharon Braithwaite said: "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Madonna came running into my bedroom crying. The twins, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Jeramy Kyle the next morning". Locals were determined not to be bowed, as looting, muggings and car crime carried

on as normal.

So far, whilst the British Red Cross has managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to relieve the suffering of stricken locals, rescue workers searching through the rubble have found large quantities of personal belongings including, benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos, and bone china from Pound-stretcher.

Can You Help....?

Please respond generously to our appeal for food and clothing for the victims of this disaster.

Clothing is needed most of all, especially:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps

Kappa tracksuit tops (his or hers)

Shell suits (female)

White sports socks

Rock-Fort boots or any other product sold in Primark

Culturally sensitive food parcels are harder to put together, but your efforts will make a difference. Microwave meals, tinned baked beans, ice-cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew are ideal.

Please do not give anything that requires peeling.

Remember:

22p buys a biro for filling in compensation claims

£2 buys chips, crisps and a blue fizzy drink for a family of 9

£5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm a child's nerves

Urgently required: Tinned whippet food. Bones for Jack Russells

Please do not send tents for shelter. The sight of such posh housing will cause discontent in the surrounding communities.

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A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:

"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the

youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you @#/??"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe

anyone would shag you twice!"

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We've all heard about people having guts or balls.

But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition

for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.

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A wedding occurred just outside Govan in Glasgow. To keep tradition going, everyone got extremely drunk and the brides and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the living daylights out of each other.

The Police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court.

The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court".

The court room goes silent and Ronny (the best man) stands up and says "Judge. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened".

The Judge agrees and asks Ronny to take the stand. Ronny begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Govan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.

The judge says "OK".

"Well", said Ronny, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs".

Shocked, the Judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!"

"HURT!” Ronny replies

"He broke three of my fingers!"

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God Said, “Adam I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do you want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over the hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said

"What's a headache?"

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Liverpool FC have unveilled plans for their new 60,000 seater stadium in Stanley Park. After much discussion & as a tribute to their many fans, the new stadium will be named the San Giro.

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I was on a train last week and a midget got on, a proper little midget with a Bargain Booze carry out bag.

It was quite busy on the train so his bag couldn't go on a seat and I

could see him looking up to the overhead rack.

A certain good Samaritan was kind enough to say "would you like me to put that up".....he said yes and it was done, but it wasn't up right and through the gap in the bars his half bottle of vodka falls and smashes on the floor.

He stands up red in the face as the inspector comes along to see what's going on.

The inspector asked if it was his, the midget says "aye...and I'm not

happy".

Cue a lone voice from the back of the carriage "well....which one are

you then?"

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A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly

dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a

couple of pounds for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten pounds and asked, "If I give you

this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to

spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?"

the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the hom eless man."I haven't played golf in 20

years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead

of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy pounds?" exclaimed the homeless

man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm

going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you

for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied,"That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man

looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex.

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I was in a bookshop the other day. They had a third off all titles.

I bought The Lion, The Witch.

Isn't it 'The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe'?

Thus making 'And The Wardrobe' more than the last required third. It's actually a 42% reduction so I think in the interests of fair trade you should do your bit as a consumer and return the item to the bookshop.

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The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.

One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"........................All the men stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has any body seen a cock?" .........................All the women stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"..............Half the women stood up.

"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?"

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

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