[Archived] Friday Funnies

[American]

Ah, I needed a good laugh, thanks Abs!

[Nayef]

Ah, I needed a good laugh, thanks Abs!

Ditto!

[Eddie]

The bikes are the best bit

[adopted scouser]

Watch this fella do impressions of Jack, Joe Pesci, Chris Walken and De Niro.

Incredible.

Oh ... and Gordon sneaked on set.

[den]

A married man

A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he spent the weekend partying with the boys. When He finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.

After a couple of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer .

"How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days??!?".....The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said,

"That would suit me just fine!!"

Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[American]

That reminds me of a part of Sam Kinison's act when he talks about Jesus not having been married:

"First of all, Jesus leaves on Friday afternoon with 12 other guys. He's gone for three days. No message. No way to get in touch with his wife. Then he comes home Monday afternoon looking like sh*t, like he hasn't slept."

[SouthAussieRover]

Uses Of Vaseline:

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain."And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in." "When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.Still, nobody says a word.So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid,and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still,total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All

right, that's enough, I'll do the f''' dishes!"

[herbergeehh]

I might be slightly drunk, SAR, but that was quality, thanks!!

[Cheshireblue]

I was sitting in the park, wondering why frisbee's got bigger as they got closer to me. Then it hit me.

I was at the cashpoint the other day when this little old lady came up to me & asked if I would help her check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

[Hannah]

They really made me laugh!

Especially the thought of you pushing an old lady over!!!

[cletus]

The man who jumped out of the hotel window with his kids must`ve been gutted when he realised they`d packed away the bouncy castle for the day.

I`ll get me coat...

[adopted scouser]

The man who jumped out of the hotel window with his kids must`ve been gutted when he realised they`d packed away the bouncy castle for the day.

I`ll get me coat...

Stepped over the line with that one Cletus. That young lad had his whole life in front of him.

[Dan Furness]

Stepped over the line with that one Cletus. That young lad had his whole life in front of him.

Seconded.

[cletus]

my apologies.

[adopted scouser]

my apologies.

No sweat

[Cocker]

The Truffel Shuffel

[Cocker]

[dave birch]

Billy Connolly on Retirement

What do retired people do all day?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their

days interesting.

Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I

was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop

writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen

a f***** break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a s---head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the

windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets

he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus. I try to have a little

fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age..........

[yorkblues]

Driving to the office this morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on the makeup! It scared me (and this coming from a bloke....) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.

F***ing Women Drivers!!!!!!!

[dave birch]

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and the floor is covered in $100.00 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies.

One blonde genie says to the other one "I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.

"I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.

"But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."

[Cheshireblue]

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Little Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Little Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940, when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." (The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate.")

This rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased its alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing."

Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade Poland" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday, as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

[dave birch]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery

where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked

vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go

by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,

"We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying

uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...

CELEBRATE!!!"

[Ozz]

What do you call hobbit who steals your logs?

Elijah Wood.

[Cocker]

An oldie but a goody

Why Women Are Like Football Grounds

1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of play

2. Pitches vary from the well grassed to the completely bald

3. Remember, it is possible to score at both ends

4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence, check with ground owner

5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of premiership standard, but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground

6. Only some grounds offer five a side facilities

7. Don’t ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never mention pitches previously visited

8. Extra time is dependant on subsequent pitch bookings

9. If the ground does not seem to have under soil heating, suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact a coroner

10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back

11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles

12. Always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel, do not expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to the goal mouth and score. That can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground

13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies

14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches

15. From time to time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie

16. Bulgarian grounds are frequently more grassy

17. French grounds are frequently very nice too look at, however there can be sometimes an awful smell from the terraces which don't get hosed down as often as they should

18. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes

19. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches

20. Always be on the lookout for grounds that host ladies footy two evenings a week

21. Pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if u ###### the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead

22. Players must agree personal terms with the club before being allowed to play on the turf

23. Always look for a ground that has never been played on before (or at least hasn't had many visits). That said, well used grounds may have better facilities and will really know how to get the best out of a player

[colin]

A bloke in Burnley (just thought I'd slip that detail in) was at home watching telly.

His wife comes home with the car keys dangling from her finger.

"Bad news dear," she says "the car has broken down, and I'm pretty sure the problem is water in the carburettor."

"Eh?" he replies, "what on earth leads you to think that it's water in the carburettor? You don't know one end of an engine from the other."

"Oh, I'm pretty sure that's the problem" she replies

"Don't talk rubbish, you've absolutely no idea what's wrong with it. Where is it, I'll go and mend it."

"It's in Barrowford." she replies

"Yes, but exactly whereabouts in Barrowford?"

"In the Leeds & Liverpool canal"