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[Archived] Rovers 1 - 1 West Brom

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Well, the summer is nearly over and another footy season is almost upon us. For some reason, I volunteered to do the match preview for the first game of the season - against West Brom at Ewood. Unfortunately though, I can’t be bothered writing a deep analysis of what we’ve done over the summer, what the strength’s and weaknesses of the two teams are, previous encounters against West Brom etc. Instead I’ll just ask Nuclearsox what he thinks!

Scotty: First of all let’s reflect on what happened last season. How would you sum up last season’s events Nuclear?

Nuclearsox: I think my thoughts on last season are best summed up by one of the famous old philosophers (I can’t remember whether it was Plato, Socrates, Aristotle or Ron Atkinson) when he said “well what a steaming pile of crap that was Clive!”

Interesting. I’m glad you picked one of Big Ron’s less controversial quotes. Anyway, a lot of people are blaming the manager for last season’s poor show, what is your opinion of Souness?

Well he's not the best tactician - he's said so himself. He seems to be a little deficient in man-management techniques, his transfer dealings leave a little to be desired, and he lost his moustache in a card game with a seal, but if there's one thing that Souness most definitely is,

it's Scottish... ...and you can never take that away from him.

I certainly wouldn’t like to be the man that tried to take it away anyway. There were also rumours that Souness had a face-lift last summer. Do you think that was connected to the same card game?

I think it’s almost certainly a different card game and I’m not sure whether Souey won or lost.

What were your high and low points of last season?

The high point was undoubtedly when I was told The Moorings wasn’t closing down on Saturday after all, as I’d been led to believe – I breathed a huge sigh of relief that day I can tell you. I even allowed myself a little smile at one point. The Moorings has been part of matchdays for almost as long as I can remember.

The low point was probably when The Moorings closed down the day after.

I think the Moorings closing down hurt us all in one way or another. Still, The Ivy isn’t all bad is it – especially when SteB doesn’t turn up.

It’s certainly a more upmarket clientele than I’m used to (when SteB stays away). You can brush shoulders with the rich, famous and powerful in there although you do get a smack in the teeth for that sort of thing.

I don’t like name-dropping, but I have sat very close to someone who has taken part in heated debates with a worldwide audience, in an attempt to make our world a better place to live in. And, whilst I don’t always agree with his views, you can tell by the way he holds himself that he’s very protective of the things he holds dear. Either that or he needs the toilet. I’m talking, of course, about Manchester Blue.

Ooh, and I’ve seen Jack Straw in there as well!

Moving on to the events over the close season, how do you rate our summer transfer activity?

I'm quite pleased. I would have liked us to have signed a big name but this summer we seem to have gone for foreign names. De Pedro (Spanish), Dickov (Russian) and D. Matteo (Italian - and still the holder of the record for the fastest FA Cup final goal if I'm not mistaken). We also look to be getting rid of some monosyllabic names that you just can't make up a decent song for - Cole, Todd and possibly Yorke (Willy Wontee? Very strange goings on with the whole Yorke saga.) The Moore thing was odd too and I’m slightly disappointed we never made a bid for Rodney Geddintoem but I don't think that should stop us chanting his name.

The sale of Cole was a bit of a bummer for a lot of us. Are you in the “glad to see the back of the hands-on-hips, sulky waster” camp or the “WTF are we doing selling our best player and replacing him with a talentless, Scottish midget” camp?

I thought the deal for Jimmy Krankie fell through!!?

I’ve never been that keen on camping actually. It looks great in those films with Sid James and Kenneth Williams – loads of scantily clad women inviting you under their awning for a bit – but that’s not what camping is really like you know? In truth, it’s all wet, windy and muddy. All you eat is burnt sausages and the toilet is always in the far corner surrounded by nettles. That’s not for me! I’m more in the “Wish we still had the foremost hands-on-hipster but let’s see what the Scottish midget can do before branding him ‘talentless’” B&B.

This summer has also seen a couple of new innovations down at Ewood. First of all, the new electronic season ticket - good or bad thing?

I've read an awful lot about these new cards and I'm really looking forward to trying them out. It worries me that you have to spit on them and stick them on your forehead before you get to the ground, and that the metallic strip is damaged by alcohol. 78% of my saliva is alcohol on a matchday so I can't see my plastic card lasting until the Man Utd game. Also, I’m slightly worried about it fusing to my forehead.

On top of that, from the pictures I've seen, unless John Newsham is a giant, the card readers are at stomach level so you have to bend double to get your forehead to the reader. I can see the Riverside concourse being packed with people that just can't straighten up.

Also StuWilky reported being thrown to the ground by one of turnstiles before the Lisbon game. That’s what you get if you don’t pick your “lucky turnstile”. So I’m half-expecting to see a pile of bodies, just inside the turnstiles, struggling to get to their feet before the next one is flung on top.

I’d say 78% was a very conservative estimate to be honest. You’re not worried about Dean Saunders’ involvement with the cards then?

With 78% alcohol/saliva level I’m not worried about anything except lasting the first 45 minutes without having to go to the loo. Having said that, I’ll not be first through the turnstiles. No way! Don’t want to end up at the bottom of the pile.

The second new innovation was our “revolutionary” new kit deal. What do you think of our new kit?

Don’t get me started on the whole kit thing. It’s a complete shambles. Who ever heard of a football kit being manufactured by a group of tractor drivers from the far-east side of Norwich and accessorized by a part-time female roofer (Alan’s mum)? Why couldn’t we have got Nike?

The last straw for me was when the shipment of hats went off by itself (including Roar’s I might add) and we subsequently learned that the Sherlock Holmes costumes were only being released to a select few.

The colours look nice though.

Apparently Nike make Accy Stanley’s kit. I blame Pringle.

Anyway, the whole point of this was to preview the West Brom game so we should at least mention it I suppose. How do you think we'll do against West Brom?

Well they're very bouncy them Baggies. Perhaps a little too bouncy. I think we have the players to exploit that. With a well-timed pass from midfield, the talentless Scottish Midget can nip in underneath their defenders, just as they are on their upward boing, and slot it under the keeper as he's pogoing about in the six-yard box. 3-0 Rovers, Jimmy Krankie hat-trick. Fandabidozee!

And what are your opinions on West Brom as a club?

As a club they're not so great. As a pogo-stick - you couldn't fault 'em.

What team should we put out against West Brom?

Well the answer depends on what you mean by “put out”:-

If you mean “Extinguish”, my answer would be “Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that! Although it wouldn’t surprise me if static build-up in these cheap nylon kits from far east Norwich made them spontaneously combust.”

If you mean “To Leave a harbour”, my answer would be “I’m not sure what you mean by that. Erm. Portsmouth?”

If you mean “To expel”, I would have to say “West Brom”.

If you mean “To inconvenience”, “West Brom again. Deano could hide the keys to the Away dressing room or something.”

If you mean “To offend/irritate.”, I’d reply “Well we shouldn’t really be offending anybody but my guess would be Emerton, Megson, The referee, The crowd, The bloke in the car in front and Tris – in that order.”

If you mean “To make an effort”, I’d say “Rovers. It would be nice to see us put some effort in.”

If you mean “To retire a runner in Baseball” I’d have to say “Have you gone banonkers?”

If you mean “To be sexually active.” I’d say “A team full of Flittys”.

If you mean “To prepare and issue for public distribution” I’d say “Reading”.

If you mean “To make unconscious by means of anaesthetic drugs” I’d say “West Brom again. That will put a stop all that bouncing.”

If you mean “To put onto a field of play.” Assuming Friedel is still having problems with his “Kicking muscle”, I’d say:-

Enckelman (gk), Gray (lb), Amoruso (cb), Matteo (cb), Neill (rb), De Pedro (lw), Flitcroft (cm), Ferguson (cm), Emerton (rm), Stead (cf), Dickov (cf).

Subs: El Tel (gk), Tugay (cm), Gallagher (cf), Thompson (rm), Reid (lb, rb, lw, rw, cf, cm, sub)

Yep, I think I’d go along with that. Looking at the new season in general is there something in particular you're looking forward to?

Absolutely! In recent seasons, the bloke behind me has struggled to pronounce most players' names (Oysterhausen, Grass Co.). I'm interested to see what he can do with Dickov.

And to be specific about BRFC for a minute, where do you think we'll finish in the table this season?

If we can stay injury free and the players play to their full potential we can finish in the top six. I think we'll be 16th.

I think I’d settle for 16th at the moment. If we have a bad start, how long do you think it will be before Souness comes under pressure?

I’ve got a fiver on two and a half minutes.

That long? The blokes around me in the Riverside will be on to him long before that I suspect. What would you class as a successful season for the Rovers this time around?

“Success is simply a matter of luck – ask any failure”. I think success this season means learning from last season’s mistakes and not making those same mistakes again. So, as long as we don’t sell our best player to a London club a few weeks before the season starts without replacing him, I think we’ll have a successful season. DOH!

Thank you Nuclear!

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And to be specific about BRFC for a minute, where do you think we'll finish in the table this season?

If we can stay injury free and the players play to their full potential we can finish in the top six. I think we'll be 16th.

Superb. laugh.gif

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Apparently Nike make Accy Stanley’s kit. I blame Pringle.

Pringle dont make football kits. Which is a good thing, as they would probably have a high level of binladen and be a funny shade of yellow.

As for the game, well, it will be 2-0 Rovers, and I'll go into the Ivy just to annoy Scotty.

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I concur with Den - this is brilliant stuff!

minus any injuries sustained at Bray,

Rovers 3-1 West Brom

Stead Koumas

De Pedro


i reckon that could be spot on. expecting a hard match but i think our quality of finishing should get us over the line

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